The Paradox of Intimacy in Marriage

A 2023 study published inInternational Journal of Psychologyshows that boredom in marriage leads to lower levels of satisfaction, causing frustration, negative interactions, and low mood. This erodes intimacy and commitment, and increases the likelihood of infidelity and divorce.

To solve the "intimacy paradox," you need to consider the following three questions.

Are you keeping your marriage too safe?

Research shows that boredom in relationships is often caused by one person feeling that their psychological need for novelty and variety is not being met.

Psychologists emphasize that romantic relationships allow a person to expand themselves because they can learn, adapt, and be influenced by their partner.

However, if a person gets stuck in a monotonous routine with their partner, they may not grow or help their partner grow. In new relationships, partners have more opportunities to learn from each other, but in long-term relationships, when self-concepts become increasingly intertwined, seeking personal growth is important.

Engaging in new activities, both separately and together, can help rekindle the flame by creating opportunities for growth, allowing both parties to see each other in a new light, sharing new experiences and perspectives that help overcome boredom.

Are you avoiding the common issue?

The intimacy paradox exists when partners avoid shared issues instead of proactively addressing what may be causing tension through communication.

Research shows that trying to maintain peace in the home by avoiding conflict altogether only creates more problems in the relationship and makes it difficult for couples to cope with stress. This affects both individual and relationship happiness and is often the result of fear of rejection or abandonment by the partner.

Do you take your partner for granted?

The value of a relationship is sometimes overshadowed by its monotony. Making a conscious choice to prioritize your partner and shifting your mindset from “I have to work on the relationship” to “I have to be with my partner” is a fundamental step in rekindling a sense of excitement and appreciation for the privilege of being together.

Meeting your partner’s needs, feelings, and desires will foster a lasting emotional connection where both partners feel heard and valued, combating feelings of boredom and disconnection. Celebrating each other’s successes, planning positive events like vacations, date nights, etc., helps create an environment conducive to exploration, enjoyment, and intimacy.