Organize a wedding for parents

Although the couple both settled in Germany and registered their marriage three years ago, Thien Trang still had to put her work aside to return to Vietnam to organize the wedding at her parents' request.

Trang and her husband, both 33 years old, had planned to return to Vietnam to celebrate the wedding in 2021, but due to the Covid-19 pandemic, they had to postpone it. In early 2024, when they brought their two-year-old daughter back to their hometown to celebrate Tet, their parents urged them to get married.

At first, Trang refused because it was too far to travel and it was difficult to ask for leave. The couple had been away from home for ten years, and most of their friends and colleagues were in Germany. Her finances were not good either, and if she got married, it would be a drain on her savings.

Trang's mother did not agree. She said that in order for the bride and groom to be recognized by relatives and neighbors, a wedding was required. Otherwise, the parents would be ridiculed and said they were afraid of wasting money and leaving their children at a disadvantage.

The wedding date was set for early April this year. Because they had already returned home for Tet and were now taking another leave, Trang and her husband only had three days to return to Vietnam. Her parents took care of everything, big and small.

On the wedding day, just after getting off the plane for 5 hours, Trang and her husband were "escorted" to the hall to meet more than 200 guests. Apart from relatives, she did not know anyone because most of them were friends and partners of her parents. That same afternoon, the couple returned from Hanoi to Hung Yen to hold the wedding ceremony at the groom's house before going to the airport the next morning.

Duc Duy in District 3, Ho Chi Minh City wanted to have a small, intimate wedding with only close relatives. The 29-year-old man thought that inviting many guests was both tiring and forced.

"I don't like the 'industrial smile' of the bride and groom. Standing at my wedding without knowing who the guests are," said the technology engineer. He believes that the wedding is not an opportunity to collect debts or "recover capital" for his parents.

Duy's parents objected to their son's idea. They thought that a small wedding would be embarrassing to their in-laws. Not to mention that they had attended hundreds of large and small weddings before, and the gifts were not small, "they couldn't be ignored so easily".

Duy's wedding was held at the end of 2023. Of the 300 guests, less than 30 were his friends and colleagues. The rest were his parents' relationships. There were even people he hadn't seen for a long time, and when toasting, the groom called them by the wrong name.

During the wedding season, the topic of "organizing a wedding for the parents' sake" has received much attention on social networking sites. The articles are divided into two streams of opinion. Some agree with the parents' point of view that "a wedding is a debt, whoever invited you before, you have to invite them back now". Others think that a wedding is a day for the young couple, not an occasion for parents to recoup their investment or fear that their children will be at a disadvantage.

Cultural expert, Dr. Nguyen Anh Hong (Hanoi) said that in the past, weddings were heavy on rituals and procedures, but they all aimed at sincerity and warmth, and guests had the opportunity to directly congratulate the bride and groom.

"Today's weddings, although the rituals are simplified, are heavy on formality," said Ms. Hong. Accordingly, most people focus on the scale of the organization and lack joy and warmth.

Another reason, according to psychologist Nguyen Thi Dao Luu, is the materialistic pragmatism of some individuals, who turn weddings into business opportunities and consider gift money as a measure of relationships.

This is the reason why many couples are under financial pressure and tired during the preparation and organization stages. Not everyone invited feels comfortable because of the lack of interaction with the host, "like eating at an expensive street food stall".

When asked "What characteristics do you want to have in a wedding?", 47% of readers wanted to attend a simple wedding with only close friends; 21.6% hoped to be welcomed and have thoughtful seating arrangements.

As for Thien Trang, in order to organize a wedding that would please her parents, she took unpaid leave and spent more than 60 million VND on airfare. Meanwhile, the entire wedding gift money was only enough to cover the cost of the food, not enough to support travel. This woman compared herself to a puppet in her own wedding, if she didn’t appear, it would be lacking, if she appeared, it would be redundant.

Organizing a wedding for their son, Duc Duy's parents felt as tired as if they were having a second wedding for themselves. In addition to sending out invitations for everyone to "return the favor" and worrying about the money for the food, they also had a headache calculating profits and losses, hoping to have some left over for their son. But the wedding gift money was not as expected, the couple in their 70s lost tens of millions, causing both of them to lose weight and become mentally exhausted.

"If I had known, I would have just made a few trays of news for relatives. Having a big party would be tiring and expensive," Duy's mother said.

To avoid conflicts, Ms. Dao Luu advises against calculating in the wedding. The bride and groom should organize a warm wedding, connecting members, avoiding putting pressure on guests. In particular, there needs to be dialogue and agreement on the organization method as well as the family's financial capacity because the main purpose of the wedding is to spread joy.

Knowing that her daughter did not like to have a grand, crowded wedding, Ms. Thanh Khue in Hai Phong only invited 60 guests including relatives and close friends.

The 55-year-old woman said her family supported her intention to have a simple wedding. When organizing a large-scale wedding, the homeowner has to prepare carefully, worry about the food and spend time visiting each house to invite the wedding guests.

"The wedding is the children's private matter. As long as they live happily together, that's what every parent wants," said Ms. Khue.

(*) Some character names have been changed.