Shouldn't "soft rope" be applied in every marriage?

Andrew Christensen, Professor of Psychology at UCLA (USA), who wrote a book on the topic of “reducing marital conflict”, explains this more clearly: “In marriage, it is difficult for people to change no matter how demanding their partners are.”

“We cannot change our basic nature even if we try, and it is futile for anyone to ask us to change,” Christensen explains.

In addition to writing books, Christensen has worked with hundreds of couples in his more than 20 years as a therapist. “To love and marry someone, you have to accept them for who they are,” he says.

Two main issues to be addressed in marriage

A study by psychologists found that at the beginning of a relationship, we don’t notice or pay attention to differences. When those differences become apparent, we often have the “illusion” that we can make our partner change.

“We want our partners to admit we are right and make the changes we think are necessary. Most of our attempts to change our partners are motivated by this illusion, and most of them fail,” says Christensen.

According to Christensen, in marriage, a more viable solution is to accept your partner's shortcomings.

Couples argue about all sorts of things, but most commonly it's the little everyday things, the inattentive actions, and the everyday disrespect that leave us hurt and angry.

Christensen argues that the two main issues that need to be addressed in marriage are related to intimacy and power. Couples need to come up with their own rules that work best for them.

“The closeness can be so intense that one or both barely exist outside of their relationship or, at the other extreme, so distant that they live in completely separate worlds,” suggests Christensen.

Couples must find their own level of closeness that satisfies their need for companionship and intimacy without robbing them of their need for independence. There is no one right level of closeness; what works for one couple may be stifling for another. We are all different in our levels of closeness and autonomy, and our preferences change over time.”

In addition to having compatible views on intimacy, couples should also divide power and responsibility on issues such as housework and childcare according to their needs, preferences, and abilities.

Do not tolerate violence or emotional abuse.

The concept of “soft ties bind tightly” should probably not be applied in all marriages, because women's tact, subtlety, tolerance and endurance have almost no effect on violent men.

“Violence should not be accepted in any relationship, nor should verbal and emotional abuse,” Christensen wrote in his book. “While couples set their own rules on most issues, physical and psychological abuse is one area where you have every right to condemn it.”

For couples where the woman is being beaten and threatened, therapy can be dangerous for the woman and can lead to further episodes of violence. Husband violence should not be treated as a normal problem in marriage.

It is the husband’s responsibility to stop the violence. “The best solution to the problem of violence is for the woman to leave. We advise abused women to think about safe escape.

In non-physically abusive relationships, therapy can help many couples work through issues and improve their relationship, but only if both people genuinely want the relationship to succeed and are willing to put in the work and emotional effort to work through the issues,” says Christensen.

By Family