The pillar of my life

Looking at Siem’s plump, round figure, full face with big, sharp eyes, long eyelashes and a gaze that seemed to penetrate wherever he looked made me a little uneasy. Every time we met, Siem talked continuously as if he had not spoken for a long time. On the contrary, I sat nodding, occasionally adding a word to politely show that I was listening attentively to Siem’s story. But perhaps because of that contrast, after getting to know each other from the “Mindful Living” course, Siem sought me out to confide in me more often. The more we talked, the more I discovered the love-sick person in that plump figure.

The new neighborhood coffee shop was deserted, with only one couple sitting outside the door, while we sat further back. I moved the coffee cup closer to me, poured in a little more milk, and slowly stirred it. The dark, thick coffee mixed with my senses and Siem's ​​story.

-I got married at 28 through a matchmaker, probably because of bad luck that I never had a relationship. My parents kept urging me to get married, then my aunt introduced me to my current husband. I saw that his family was decent, he looked tall, handsome, and had a good face, we got to know each other for about a month and agreed to get married. Who would have thought that now we have become a pile of debt in the house like this.

I smiled. Life is like that, getting married is like gambling. If you know what the road ahead is like, no one will get lost. I was a little distracted because my eyes were drawn to the young couple sitting outside, whispering and giggling with each other. First love is always fragrant, making the person who falls in love feel emotional, strangely happy. Then time will bring love to a point of no return like me and Siem. That thought flashed through my mind when I saw the radiant happiness on the faces of the two young people. I dismissed the thought, maybe it was because I was a little young, and unlucky in love, that I had such a negative view.

I turned to urge Siem to drink some water. Siem picked up the iced tea, shook it, then put it back down on the table. Siem was still absent-minded, his eyes looking far away towards the window, as if talking and confiding would surely quench his thirst better than drinking that cold iced tea. I don't know if it was the dim light coming in through the window that made Siem's ​​eyes sparkle or if it was his uncontrollable emotion.

-She said I was too presumptuous. I had to be open-minded to live a peaceful and comfortable life. But I asked her, in all those years of marriage, he beat me countless times. I didn't earn a penny, I had to struggle, manage all kinds of things to pay off the house and car loans, and maintain a comfortable life for the family. On top of that, my husband also had other women. The relationship between us has been cold for a long time.

Speaking of that, I saw that Siem's ​​eyes were filled with tears, no longer sparkling and wet. I took out some papers and gave them to Siem, patted her shoulder to comfort her. Besides that, I didn't know what to do at the moment, as women, it would be easy to understand each other's pain and unhappiness. Siem is a lively and capable woman, so much so that whatever she touches, she makes money. Two years of the Covid-19 pandemic, many people have suffered, many families have been miserable. But Siem did business and quickly built a 6 billion VND house. Working day and night, studying many online courses to improve her knowledge, knowing 3 languages. Siem opened a company, not only making money for herself, but also bringing jobs to many other people. Yet Siem was helpless before her husband. People are always strange. Women who are too talented and smart often become the pillars, shouldering all the men's work in the family. This is true for Siem. The more successful she is, the more her husband retreats. With all the pressure and frustration she was enduring, I felt like Siem was like a balloon that was about to burst. No one wanted anyone to break up, but I guessed that sooner or later her marriage would end.

Each tree has its own flower, each house has its own scene. I admire Siem because she has the sharpness and decisiveness that I do not have. I cannot make any decisions for myself. It seems that my husband's shadow has made me lose confidence, and I depend on him too much after we got married. He decided which TV to buy, which refrigerator to choose, etc. After so many years of living together, it seems that I have even forgotten what I want. Life goes by smoothly. Every day there are no major conflicts. The only thing is, now, every night when we go to bed, my husband and I are like two curved moons. Each of us turns in a different direction, embracing our own coldness and loneliness.

Siem's ​​husband had to drink alcohol to have sex with his wife. Isn't that too hard? Hard for both husband and wife. People get married to love each other. Everyone knows that, once married, if there is no love, there is still duty. But life is short, living well does not mean living happily. If you are not compatible in bed, you can seek help from a doctor, the important thing is, your hearts no longer want to be with each other. And if you really don't want to, freeing each other is also a duty. I kept thinking about Siem's ​​story, then I thought about myself.

*

Time flies like an arrow, it's my 8th wedding anniversary, it's been 8 years. I always remember this day, but never mention it to my husband or post a Facebook photo to commemorate it. I don't know if my husband remembers it, and he never mentions it either. I can totally ask my husband about it. Why do I just keep my questions in my heart? It turns out that for so long, we've been like two parallel lines, slowly drifting in our own loneliness. Neither of us has the need to ask anyone, or share with our other half. Or at some point, I've shared my concerns without receiving any response, so over time that need has disappeared.

The dinner tray was full of dishes, I did not forget to display some fresh fruit for decoration. I urged my son to come down to eat. He wondered why I cooked so many dishes because his father did not eat at home. I happily replied, cooked enough for the two of us to eat well and deliciously. The empty chair today really did not make me pay any attention. I remember the first two years of our marriage, when we had not given birth yet, if my husband had not come home yet, I would call to urge him. My husband's voice often rang out calmly on the phone, saying "I'll be home around 7pm", but the clock showed 7:30, 8:00... still no sign of my husband. Then at 8:30, I told him to eat first, he would come home soon. And that would be around 11:00 at night. I used to sit with my knees drawn up, tears streaming down my face from hunger and welcome my husband home late at night, reeking of alcohol. I have wondered many times, why are people living together not considerate enough to think of each other a little, just a little. I wish my husband would call me before I cooked and tell me to make something to eat by myself. The feeling of carefully preparing each dish for someone else, then being heartlessly ignored and left cold, haunts my mind.

Now it's so different. That longing has disappeared. Late at night, I fall asleep and forget that there's someone at home who hasn't come home yet. Sometimes, I blame myself for becoming like this. Emotions are something I can't control. If we're kind to each other, they'll last, otherwise, they'll waver and leave.

"Get up and open the door for me? I don't have the key." In my sleepiness, I fumbled to turn on the switch, and unlocked the door. I didn't smell any alcohol. I suddenly realized something, my husband had been leaving like that for months. Without any hasty questions, I locked the door, and my husband went up to change his clothes. The two curved moons turned their backs to each other on the bed where they had once made passionate love. My husband's soft breathing was beside me. I knew he was still awake and I couldn't sleep either.

- Do you have someone else?

Silent.

- You're not going to tell me anything?

Silent.

- Let's get a divorce. The child will stay with me.

Silent.

*

Facebook showed a photo of Siem's ​​husband's birthday, posted by her with thousands of loving words. The photo of the family happily together, the feeling of happiness was all in these smiles. I opened my mouth in surprise. I should be happy with Siem, Siem's ​​family. But I was surprised because every time we met, the story about Siem's ​​worthless husband resounded with sobs and resentment. Maybe, she was like many people, only suffering in her room, the rest wanted to show off her perfect image to the world. Some showed off their cars, some showed off their houses, some showed off their fame, some showed off their sparkling happiness... That's why the couple next door to me cursed at each other all the time, but when they played Facebook, they were sweet and loving. Is social media really a place where you can be fake or is life just like that?

On the day of the “Living Awakening” course’s conclusion, I congratulated Siem for being in harmony with her husband. With a red face, she replied that she posted the photo for fun, but there was no improvement, her husband had been the same for years, she was still mad about yesterday… Just like that, Siem complained about her married life. I continued to play the role of a listener. But this time I knew that she was just sharing to ease her worries, but Siem would still return and continue to take care of her home, patient, resigned, and willing to serve her husband unconditionally. The image of a plump, resourceful, and decisive Siem, a weak, dependent me, was in other matters. As for marriage, Siem and I had switched roles.

I decided to sign the divorce papers. I will be the pillar of my life. I cannot keep him because I have been too dependent on him for so long. Don't tie each other down if you don't love each other anymore. I told Siem that. But Siem said she needed the image of a complete family for the sake of her children.

I cannot do that for my child, and I do not know if I will be happy if I accept to live a boring, sad life for my child. How can I know clearly whether my choice or Siem's ​​choice is better? We have to move on and only time will answer that question. Each person has their own choice. Depending on what we want, we will wear what shape and color of shirt. I only know that, with that choice, Siem will continue to be the pillar of her family. As for my choice, I must be steadfast to be the pillar of my own life.