Marriage broken because of black fund

At that time, Mr. Hoang Minh Trong, 42 years old, in Hanoi, was prescribed surgery by the doctor with a poor prognosis. Before entering the operating room, he was still conscious so he called his brother-in-law, asked him to take a bank card from his wallet, read the password and told him "if anything happens to me, you and I will use this money to take care of my parents".

The surgery was successful, and Minh Trong's life was saved. While waiting for his brother-in-law to wake up, the brother-in-law gave his wife his bank card and nonchalantly told her what his brother had told him. Knowing that the amount of money in the card was over one billion VND, Thu Hoa was angry, thinking that her husband had been deceiving her for the past three years.

"I have never lied to him, but he treats me and my children like this. It feels like betrayal," she said.

Every time she thought about her husband's secret fund, Thu Hoa became more and more resentful. Whenever she was upset, she would question him, interrogate him, or secretly check his wallet and phone to see if he had hidden any other money. Mr. Trong was upset because his wife was always probing him, declaring bluntly, "What's wrong with me keeping money to take care of my parents?"

''Our discomfort grew day by day. We used harsh words to insult each other,'' Ms. Thu Hoa said. In the end, they divorced despite having overcome all the difficulties of life and the opposition of their families to be together.

In Dong Nai, Mr. Nguyen Van Duc, 32 years old, said bitterly when he discovered that while he was having difficulties due to business losses, his wife had a secret fund to build a house for her grandparents.

''I spent many sleepless nights worrying about debt, feeling sorry for my wife and children for not taking good care of them, then I found out that my wife had just transferred 500 million VND to her parents' house,'' he said. What made this man even more heartbroken was that his wife said, ''My husband is losing money, I have to get rid of it or he will find out and spend it all.''

After reading his wife's messages to his mother, Duc almost went crazy. For nearly ten years of marriage, his wife had been a housewife and took care of the children. He gave her every small or large sum of money he earned to make her feel appreciated. He openly invested money in everything he did. But it turned out that for the past ten years, his wife had secretly opened a separate account, deducting her husband's salary to use as a secret fund.

A 2021 survey by financial services company CreditCards (USA) showed that more than 25% of couples think having a secret fund is an act of infidelity, considering it worse than physical betrayal.

Family psychologist Hong Huong (Hanoi) said that for those who always think that their spouse's money is shared like Mr. Duc or Ms. Thu Hoa, when they find out that their spouse has a secret fund, they often feel shocked, creating negative reactions and actions.

"Those who often use their own standards to measure their partner will be very dissatisfied because while they do not hide and work hard to take care of their finances, their partner has their own money," she said. From this perspective, secret funds are "financial infidelity", the beginning of conflict, leading to broken marriages.

Statistics from the Institute for Family and Gender Studies show that up to 13% of divorces in Vietnam are due to money issues, second only to lifestyle conflicts and adultery.

Not only in Vietnam, a study by the National Endowment for Financial Education, USA shows that financial dishonesty is the reason for 30% of divorces.

Ms. Hong Huong believes that it is important to understand that slush funds are not bad, what is important is the purpose of using this fund. In the case of Mr. Minh Trong's family, according to her, if both parties knew how to behave appropriately when the slush fund was revealed, they would not necessarily have to take each other to court.

Minh Trong should have understood that, in essence, hiding something from his spouse is a dishonest act, so if he is discovered, it is best to apologize to appease the other person. Then explain in the form of a confession so that his spouse understands the purpose of setting up a secret fund, instead of saying hurtful words.

Minh Trong's wife also needs to reconsider her husband's purpose in building a secret fund, instead of hastily speculating and doubting, leading to loss of trust. "If we consider a secret fund a mistake, it is just one of the countless mistakes a person can make in life," said Hong Huong.

Sharing the same opinion with Ms. Hong Huong, lawyer Hong Thai (Hanoi Bar Association), who has handled many divorce cases related to secret funds, also said that secret funds can also reveal problems in previous relationships.

"People hide their private money because they lack trust. So in some cases, secret funds are just a trigger, clarifying the relationship's problems," he said.

Anh Duc only knew about his family's problems when he tried to test his wife. He pretended not to know about her secret fund, saying that his wife had gone to her parents' house to borrow money to pay off her debt. He also asked his mother-in-law to borrow money, but was immediately refused. "You don't feel ashamed enough, why did you do that?", his wife scolded him.

Too frustrated, Duc told the whole truth. Unrepentant, Duc's wife criticized her husband for being incompetent, having an unstable income and leaving his wife and children to suffer, so she never trusted him. "I knew this day would come, so I should have taken care of myself and not drowned with you," she said.

Their marriage became suffocating. Duc asked for a divorce and was granted. ''It turned out that in my wife's eyes, I was just a loser,'' he said.

Psychologist Nguyen Thi Tam, 20 years in the field of marriage and family counseling (in Ho Chi Minh City) said that because they want financial transparency, today, more and more young couples are signing marriage contracts.

However, being too strict about finances in a relationship means that money is more important than feelings for each other. "This is not a suitable solution for family finances," she said.

Experts say that couples should build a joint fund and separate funds to have freedom in marriage. Both people need to discuss contributions flexibly, in stages to suit each person's earning capacity, to ensure family finances, and have private space.

In a survey of more than 500 readers, 40% chose the solution that couples should agree to contribute to a common fund, the rest should be kept by each person, and 14% said that family finances should be concentrated in one place.

After the divorce, Minh Trong won custody of his children and remarried. Learning from experience, in this newlywed marriage, he and his wife decided to "each spend his own money", leaving only a joint amount to take care of their children and old age.

"After all, I don't think I was at fault for setting up the slush fund, but we both made mistakes in our behavior. But anyway, that's the past I need to clean up," he said.

* Character names in the article have been changed.