Fear of daughters-in-law of modern mothers-in-law

Ms. Hong fell ill from shock when her neighbor showed her daughter-in-law's post "blaming her mother-in-law" and audio file on social media.

The 65-year-old woman in Bac Giang knew nothing about Facebook or technology. She did not expect this to be the "fatal blow" from her Gen Z daughter-in-law that made her collapse.

Her son got married at the age of 30, so Nguyen Thi Hong and her husband decided that "daughter-in-law is also their child". She was secretly happy, thinking that her daughter-in-law would help with cooking so she could take care of the chickens, a few pigs and go to the market.

Mrs. Hong admitted that she was not good at cooking and rarely cleaned the kitchen. Meanwhile, her daughter-in-law was very clean and meticulous, which made her mother-in-law feel suffocated. When she dropped crumbs of cake on the table or wore sand on her sandals in the yard, her daughter-in-law immediately picked up a broom and reminded her. Therefore, the mother and daughter were not happy with each other and said harsh words.

The mother-in-law's arguments were recorded by the daughter-in-law and sent to her parents' group chat for discussion. She also went online to accuse her mother-in-law.

''If the whole village hadn't been gossiping and asking questions, how would I have known that my family's story was being spread to the whole country?'' she said.

In Hanoi, Ms. Bich Hanh, 57 years old, cannot adapt to her daughter-in-law's lifestyle. The 26-year-old girl holds her phone in her hand for everything she does, even when cooking, washing dishes, or sitting at the dining table.

"Sometimes the meat burns and the water overflows because my daughter-in-law is busy holding the phone," said Mrs. Hanh. When reminded, her daughter-in-law said she was busy handling urgent work and could not put the phone down.

Her family lives in the same two-bedroom apartment, but she always feels like her children are in another world. The young couple only get home from work at 7 p.m., and at 9 p.m. they take their children and send them to sleep with their grandmother. They both use the excuse of working online to stay up late, only going to bed at 1 or 2 a.m.

The first few months, she went to the market and prepared breakfast for the children, but when she woke them up at 8am for breakfast, the children and their husbands still had an attitude. The daughter-in-law Hang Nga even asked her husband to "remind her mother not to invade her privacy".

''I don't have a daughter, I thought I would have a daughter-in-law to be my friend, but I can't talk to her all day,'' she said.

She often cried and told her son, but he brushed it off, saying that she liked to do too much. From then on, the mother was always sad, feeling the distance between her and her children growing wider and wider.

Ms. Hong and Ms. Bich Hanh share the same sentiment as nearly 86% of mothers-in-law in a study by author Le Ngoc Lan (Institute of Family and Gender Studies) in 2021, who said that their daughters-in-law do not express their feelings as they wish.

Doctor of Public Health, Master of Psychology La Linh Nga, Director of the Center for Research and Application of Psychological and Educational Sciences (Hanoi) said that she has consulted many cases of mothers-in-law in crisis due to pressure from their daughters-in-law. ''Wives often complain that they are afraid of losing their daughter-in-law's favor no matter what they do, and that they try all kinds of ways to please their daughters-in-law but are still criticized,'' Ms. Nga said.

In fact, there are many modern daughters-in-law who are difficult and value personal privacy but are not skillful in handling situations. There are cases where the mother-in-law is concerned and wants to help her children clean their bedroom, but the daughter-in-law shows an unpleasant attitude. "They blame the mother-in-law for having the right to enter their private room, when she only picks up trash and sweeps the room to make it cleaner," Ms. Nga said.

Some daughters-in-law are too attentive and easily upset. Sometimes when their mother-in-law criticizes or reminds them, they become resentful and tell their husbands, causing their sons to blame their mothers, making the relationship more complicated.

From a psychological perspective, Dr. Nguyen Thi Minh, a lecturer at the Ho Chi Minh City National Academy of Public Administration, believes that it is human nature to want to be loved and respected, but many daughters-in-law do not understand that. They behave insensitively, making their mothers-in-law feel despised. They are upset and annoyed, but because they do not want to affect their children's happiness, they silently endure, causing stress for themselves.

Ms. La Linh Nga said that in a few cases, daughters-in-law have better economic conditions and therefore look down on their husband's family. Research by author Le Ngoc Lan showed that 37.7% of mothers-in-law think that their daughters-in-law are heartless; 16.9% disrespect their parents-in-law.

Sociological surveys also show that today, most daughters-in-law have a higher economic status than their mothers-in-law. According to mothers-in-law's self-assessment, the daughter-in-law's contribution to family expenses is 38%, while the mother-in-law's is 22%. In the daughter-in-law's assessment, this rate is 45%, while the mother-in-law contributes only 19%.

In her observations, Ms. Nguyen Thi Minh saw that many mothers-in-law have updated their knowledge and know that the role of the daughter-in-law has changed. They understand the difficulties of women who become wives and find ways to help.

However, there are people who cannot adapt, place strict demands on their daughters-in-law, do not understand their pressure, and even criticize them. "When people are not satisfied, they get tired and cause stress to themselves first," said Ms. Minh.

According to Ms. Minh, Vietnamese people value a culture of tact and discretion. Some mothers-in-law of the previous generation still maintain that culture, so when they are upset or upset about something, they often do not say it directly. Meanwhile, modern daughters-in-law are busy and straightforward. If they talk in a hidden or insinuating way, they do not have time to listen. ''When mothers-in-law talk in circles and their daughters-in-law do not understand, they themselves will feel uncomfortable and tired,'' Ms. Minh said.

Hang Nga sees her mother-in-law as this type of person. She admits that she doesn't have time to "translate" her mother-in-law's multi-layered stories. "She wants me to do this and that, but she doesn't say anything and just keeps telling stories about Mrs. A's family like this and Mrs. B's family like that. I'm busy, I can't sit and listen to guess what she means," she said.

Experts all agree that whether from the mother-in-law or daughter-in-law, psychological pressure will cause conflict, tension in the family, and even broken marriages.

Regarding her mother-in-law, Mrs. Minh believes that as soon as the daughter-in-law comes home, she needs to clearly state her wishes. During the process of living together, if there are any problems, she should learn to share and talk with a respectful attitude to resolve them.

"If you don't know how to express yourself, you should learn or ask someone else to convey it tactfully. When you don't want to say it, you have to learn to accept it, instead of showing an attitude towards your daughter-in-law that will escalate the tension," said Ms. Minh.

When expressing her dissatisfaction with her daughter-in-law to her son, Ms. Linh Nga advised the mother-in-law to choose her words carefully, speak fairly, and listen to her son's opinions. The mother should consider what both of them need to adjust, instead of accusing and criticizing her daughter-in-law.

Daughters-in-law should also be more tactful in their behavior, especially when they want to ask their mother-in-law for help. To convey their wishes, they need to speak with respect. They should not impose "you have to do this", but should say "Mom, please help me do as instructed".

If your mother-in-law does not do it correctly or scientifically, you can say, "I read books and newspapers and doctors and experts say this is better"... to achieve your wishes without making your mother-in-law upset.

After being shamed several times on social media, Ms. Hong and her daughter-in-law had a fierce conflict. To avoid causing more tension in the family, she immediately agreed to let her children move out.

As for Ms. Bich Hanh's family, when she shared her sadness, her daughter acted as a bridge for her mother and sister-in-law to understand each other better.

*Character names in the article have been changed.