Tell the daughter-in-law's sins to her in-laws

Minh Nguyet from Thuy Nguyen, Hai Phong has been married for almost a year. Her husband's and her mother's houses live close to each other, so whenever her mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have any conflicts, Nguyet's parents become a "complaint bin". Sometimes her mother-in-law comes over just to criticize her daughter-in-law for being dirty and not knowing how to take care of the family, and other times she accuses her of being rude because her mother-in-law argues with everything she says.

Every time Nguyet's father heard that, he just silently sighed, and her mother could only repeat the familiar refrain "The child is foolish, the mother bears it, I hope you understand". Seeing the in-laws' condescending attitude, her mother-in-law always sighed, stood up, and concluded before leaving: "You should consider how to discipline your daughter".

Thanh Huyen from Co Nhue, Bac Tu Liem District, Hanoi has been married for three years. The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has become tense since she gave birth. She wanted to raise her child in the traditional way, while Huyen preferred the modern way. She expressed milk and stored it in the refrigerator, but her mother-in-law poured it all out because she thought frozen food was not good, and asked her to breastfeed her child directly. When her child got sick and had a fever, she wanted to take her to the doctor, but she refused and bought a bunch of leaves to boil and drink.

Not wanting her mother-in-law to interfere in raising her child, Huyen argued, criticizing her mother-in-law's outdated way of doing things. When she couldn't put pressure on her daughter-in-law, her mother-in-law called her in-laws to complain. During the phone calls, she criticized Huyen for learning random things on the internet, fearing that one day she would harm her grandchild.

"Although I asked my mother-in-law to stop calling, she said that because she did not receive respect from her daughter-in-law, she wanted her in-laws to influence me. But each person has their own child to raise, I cannot follow her wishes," Huyen said.

With nearly 20 years of experience as a marriage and family consultant, Ms. La Linh Nga, Director of the Center for Research and Application of Psychology and Education (Hanoi), admits that cases of conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law leading to accusations of going to the wife's parents' house are not uncommon.

"The above phenomenon occurs when the daughter-in-law does not meet the standards of her husband's family. Meanwhile, women today are independent and do not unconditionally obey the demands of their husband's family like before, so it is difficult to avoid arguments and accusations," said Ms. Nga.

In a recent survey of reporters With more than 200 readers, 40% of respondents often or have been told off by their mother-in-law to their parents.

A 2021 study by author Le Ngoc Lan (Institute for Family and Gender Studies) showed that in the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship, more than 30% of daughters-in-law said they did not get along with their mother-in-law. Up to 85% of mothers-in-law said that their daughter-in-law did not express her feelings as she expected. 37.7% of mothers-in-law said their daughter-in-law was inconsiderate, 18.2% were not neat and tidy, and 16.9% were disrespectful to their parents-in-law.

According to Ms. Nga, when the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not harmonious, blaming is a way to vent frustration and relieve stress. If it is not possible to vent on the main target, the mother-in-law targeting the target's concerns or important people will make the psychology more satisfied.

In addition, this method aims to hit the daughter-in-law's self-esteem, so that she feels embarrassed and has to adjust her behavior and live more sensibly. The impact on the in-laws also aims to hope that the daughter-in-law will be re-educated by her parents to conform to the standards of her husband's family.

Another reason, according to Ms. Nga, is that many daughters-in-law have behaviors and attitudes that are not tactful or appropriate to their husband's family. In this case, sharing the matter with the in-laws is necessary, as the mother-in-law wants to share the burden as well as hope to find a better solution for the relationship.

"Regardless of the reason, telling the daughter-in-law's family about her crimes is not a good solution, but only makes the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship worse, even threatening the couple's happiness," Ms. Nga affirmed.

Like Thanh Huyen's family, the first few times her in-laws bothered her, her father felt uncomfortable and told his daughter not to let her mother-in-law call to complain anymore. He scolded her for not loving her parents and not treating her husband's family well, so her parents could not rest in peace. But after hearing many judgments from her in-laws, he advised that if they could not reconcile the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, they should live separately. Because she was the only son, Huyen's husband did not agree with this plan. Therefore, the couple often argued.

As for Minh Nguyet, she said that no matter how much she endured, she definitely could not ignore it when it came to her parents. Nguyet asked her mother-in-law not to continue to bother her family, but was scolded, "her parents did not know how to raise their children, and let her husband's family be rude." She also demanded that her daughter-in-law be sent back to be re-educated, and when she knew how to behave, she would continue to be a daughter-in-law.

Recently, Nguyet asked her husband to rent a house of his own, otherwise she would file for divorce.

To resolve the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law in this situation, according to Ms. Nga, it is best to live separately to reduce the conflicts that may continue to escalate. If that is not possible, one must know how to harmonize the relationship.

Experts say mothers-in-law should remember that blaming is completely counterproductive. When a person’s dignity is degraded, they will feel ashamed and turn to hate or resist, not seek to change for the better.

For daughters-in-law, Mrs. Nga advises that they need to talk often to understand their mother-in-law's personality, living habits, and what she expects from them in order to find a way to live in harmony.

Sharing the same opinion, psychologist Trinh Trung Hoa said that when living under the same roof, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law should integrate their lives into each other.

"With a modern daughter-in-law, you should not always show that you are more knowledgeable or better than your mother-in-law, leading to disrespect for the opinions of the elderly," said Mr. Hoa.

According to experts, when a conflict arises, the daughter-in-law should not vent her emotions with an indifferent or defiant attitude. If the mother-in-law acts inappropriately, she should sit down and talk to resolve the conflict. If the daughter-in-law herself acts inappropriately, she should look back and make changes.

According to Mr. Hoa, when conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law arise, the husband is the important link in balancing the relationship. He should not act innocent and let the two women deal with the conflict on their own.

"When standing between mother and wife, the husband should not side with one side and criticize the other side. A neutral attitude is very important because it will help both sides understand and sympathize with each other better," said Mr. Hoa.