Children who are given the green light to fall in love early

''My mother said that when she was my age, she also loved a classmate who loved someone else, so she understood my feelings,'' the girl said.

Tram fell in love at the end of 6th grade, when she started puberty. She took the initiative to confess her love to her classmate with a handwritten letter and a heart-shaped candy box placed in her desk drawer. When her crush agreed to date her, Bich Tram immediately told her mother. "My mother also told me to invite my friend to come over to play, but I didn't think it was the right time," Bich Tram said.

The girl added that her mother also encouraged her to learn to knit scarves to give to her friends and invited her to go to English class with her. But their first love only lasted a few months at the stage of holding hands and kissing cheeks. She was the one who initiated the breakup because she found her boyfriend "not gallant" and had a lot of acne.

Tram told her mother that she was "unlucky in love", while her friends all found suitable partners, while she was in a one-sided situation. Ms. Hong Hanh laughed and advised her daughter to study hard, be active in activities to be more attractive to boys and have the opportunity to meet better, more talented friends.

"I know my mother's ultimate goal is still to make me study hard, but I still like talking to her," Tram said.

Earlier this year, Minh Thanh, who was in 8th grade, publicly announced his relationship with his girlfriend in the same class to everyone because no one from his parents or teachers forbade or objected.

Thanh and his girlfriend went to the same school, and their houses were a few small neighborhoods apart. The two children played together in a group. Thanh liked his girlfriend because she was "small, cute" and a good student. The two went out a few times after three months of dating and held hands. Both sets of parents knew their son had a girlfriend when the girl wore a shirt with Thanh's name on it to school.

Thanh said he had never felt such longing and attachment to a girlfriend. He said it took him several days to consider before confessing his love, and he was happy that she liked him too.

His parents were surprised when their son's girlfriend was the best student in school. "My mother told me to study hard to be worthy of each other, and I think it's true," said the boy, who has average academic performance. Thanh believes that his feelings are real and there is nothing to be ashamed of, to hide from his parents, friends, or to be forbidden.

Ms. Thu Hoai, 40 years old, Minh Thanh's mother, believes that her son's feelings of love are only temporary, so she should let him be. "His feelings are pure and lovely, there is nothing to forbid," the mother said.

Ms. Hoai is a kindergarten teacher, her husband is a freelancer, so they are both busy. The mother admits that she cannot spend much time with her child and cannot fully understand her child's psychological changes. She thinks that having friends of the opposite sex will give her more people to confide in and share difficult things with. "When I was my child's age, I also had friends of the opposite sex to confide in, when I could not talk to my parents," she said.

Instead of forbidding her, she met with her daughter's girlfriend's parents to ask for their opinions. Seeing that they thought the same way as she did, the two sides agreed to "each child should be disciplined" so that the children could both live in accordance with their emotions and maintain their innocence.

Psychologist Dao Le Tam An, PhD student in Psychology at Ho Chi Minh City University of Education, said that during pre-puberty and puberty, children's bodies undergo many changes, sex hormones develop strongly, creating the premise for the development of the need for emotional attachment. In addition, the influence of movies, books or stories between friends also stimulates curiosity, causing children to fall in love early.

In some small-scale surveys and studies in Vietnam by Dr. Dao Nguyen Dieu Trang (Hue University of Medicine and Pharmacy), about 16-17% of minors admitted to having romantic feelings.

After more than 20 years in charge of answering psychological questions for a newspaper for students, journalist Hoang Anh Tu noticed that about 70% of the questions were related to love.

In counseling sessions with students, expert Tam An found that most students are still afraid of being forbidden or punished by adults if they find out they are in love. However, he found that many parents are now more open when their children fall in love early. Some families proactively ask their children about who they like, who they are interested in, and are excited when their children reveal that they have had their first kiss.

Counselors say this open approach will help parents and children connect more easily. Then, if children are stuck in a relationship or need to learn about safe sex, they will turn to their parents first.

According to Master of Psychology Le Minh Huan (An Nhien Center for Applied Psychology and Education, Ho Chi Minh City), if parents forbid, children will feel inhibited and psychologically hurt because they are not understood, sympathized and supported to grow up in relationships. On the contrary, if parents encourage, it will make children fall in love, study poorly, and have poor self-control.

"Let things happen naturally and follow your children's emotions, perceptions, and skills, focus on learning, and turn emotions into motivation, not pressure that destroys their learning spirit," said Mr. Huan.

Psychologist Dao Le Tam An notes that parents should keep an open attitude when their children fall in love early, and also have serious, quality conversations about building student relationships, birth control methods, or sexually transmitted diseases.

Mr. An advises parents to discuss with their children about health safety limits, and can use their children's interest in love to motivate them to improve themselves, like Minh Thanh or Bich Tram's parents.

Minh Thanh and his mother had a serious talk about their first love. "My mother said that having sex with a friend at this age, even if it was consensual, is still illegal," he said. His mother also bought him books on sex education to read and he searched online.

As a girl, Bich Tram was taught about sex education by her mother from an early age. "My mother told me that if my boyfriend loves me, he must respect my decision and not demand what he wants," Tram said.

School psychologist Le Minh Huan advises that when falling in love, even if it is student love, it is a sign of maturity, so students must make sure they think and act responsibly.

"When children are serious about their relationships and have better academic performance, it will create trust in their parents, making it easier to receive approval or less opposition," he advised.

Having a girlfriend who was in the same class as him and was also a good student, Minh Thanh was often tutored and reminded about his studies. Because he wanted to prove himself to his girlfriend, he also worked hard to make up for his missing knowledge for the final exam.

"If I get low scores, my parents will scold me and blame it on love," Thanh said.

* Character names in the article have been changed.