Workaholic husbands

The job of a technology engineer takes up most of Pham Tung's time, 31 years old, in Dong Da, Hanoi. There are days when he sits at his desk for half a day, eating bread for lunch and noodles for dinner as a "duty to his stomach".

For weeks on end, Tung did not have a meal with his wife and children. His daughter craved breakfast with her parents so much that she tried to get up quickly when her mother called, "Daddy is about to go to work."

That "busy as hell" schedule helps Tung earn about 80 million VND per month. He was able to change to a better apartment for his family and "is proud to be able to send his daughter to the best school, and to transfer more money to his wife each month than the previous month."

But Tung admits there have been losses. His work schedule is full on Saturdays and Sundays. For his wife's birthday and to give gifts to his children, he can only transfer money. "My wife has reminded me many times to spend time with my children, even if it's just a little bit," he said.

For the past two years, Duc Thanh, 34, from Lang Son, has pooled capital with a friend to open a medical equipment company in Hanoi. He has also learned about stock investment and is a manager for a service business in his hometown. He travels back and forth between Hanoi and Lang Son every two weekends and spends the rest of his time working. Many times, Thanh tells his wife to come home early but doesn’t arrive until midnight.

"Every night he lazily throws himself on the bed, not bothering to change his clothes. I love my husband but I'm still angry because he breaks his promises so many times," said his wife, Thu.

Like Mr. Tung, Mr. Thanh has a three-year-old child. The husband wants his wife and children to have a good life, so he tries hard to succeed. "A man must be able to take care of his wife and children before he should get married," Mr. Thanh said.

Throwing yourself into work because you want to be a solid support for your family is a common concept among Vietnamese men. According to statistics from a study by the Institute for Social Development Studies (ISDS), 25% of men surveyed face pressure in life. Of these, more than 80% are under economic pressure, and nearly 70% are under career pressure.

According to Associate Professor Dr. Nguyen Duc Loc, Director of the Institute for Social Life Research, gender roles, in which men are the pillars, are deeply ingrained in the Vietnamese people's concept. In the family, from a young age, boys are guided and taught to be the ones who take care of others. When they reach adulthood and start a family, that role becomes even more clearly defined.

Nowadays, although society has made certain progress towards balancing the roles of men and women in the family, the results are still lackluster. Men still have to be the main laborers, carrying within them masculine pride. Because of this, they put pressure on themselves, and when they fail, they will feel ashamed, which increases the pressure even more.

"For men who are not stable and do not have economic stability, their masculine nature makes them strong, strive to earn money, and at the same time lonely because they want to maintain their pride," said Mr. Loc.

The ISDS 2020 study "Men and Masculinities in Vietnam" shows that when weighed down by things like financial and career pressures, nearly 3% of men surveyed had suicidal thoughts. This rate was 5.4% (highest) in the 18-29 age group.

Tung said that in the past, when his income was unstable and not enough to live on, he was so stressed that he panicked. "Thinking about unpaid debts or bills that were about to be paid, my stomach ached," Tung said. That's why he didn't dare take a day off all year, unless it was for an unavoidable reason.

But according to Associate Professor, Dr. Nguyen Duc Loc, when immersed in the whirlwind of work, men easily lose connection with other relationships. "That's why many men start out by worrying about their wives and children, so they throw themselves into work, but then their marriage breaks down," said Mr. Loc.

Late last year, Thanh's wife asked for a divorce. "Maybe people think I'm crazy, having a husband who pampers me and gives me everything I want, but I want to leave. But I'm an emotional person, if I don't feel connected, I can't accept it," she told her husband.

Hoai Thu said she married him when she had nothing. During the days when the couple had to share a pack of instant noodles and struggled to make ends meet, she never thought of divorce. But when they had enough food and clothes, Hoai Thu was not happy.

"You don't even have a weekend to spend with your children. A family meal has become a luxury. So what's the point of earning money?", she questioned him. At a dead end, they sought out a psychologist to help solve their marriage.

Ms. Hoai Thu confided that she did not want to rely on her husband and force him to shoulder all the financial burden. As a mother, she spends a lot of time taking care of her young children, but she also desires to assert herself in her career and increase her income. She wants him to share the housework and take care of the children so that she has more time for work.

But he left early in the morning and returned late at night. From the time the child was three years old, she was the only one who took him to and from school, did the housework, and ate dinner alone. "Even on weekends, it was just the two of us. How is that different from being a single mother receiving alimony from her ex-husband?" she said.

According to Associate Professor, Dr. Nguyen Duc Loc, not only society and family members but also men themselves need to have a more open view, changing the "stronghold" of the notion that men must be the pillars.

As humans, everyone needs to be independent and have a progressive spirit, but we must recognize our strengths and feel at peace with the path we choose, instead of following the expectations of the crowd. When we are caught in a spiral of pressure, when every effort still makes us stressed, tired and does not bring the desired results, let's ask ourselves why we started.

"There should be a balance between work and life. In life, apart from life and death, everything can start over again," he said.

Mr. Loc advises couples, like Mr. Thanh and his wife, to sit down and talk to each other. Each person in society plays a role in the stage of their life. The role is available, but the script is unpredictable and can change. Therefore, as husband and wife, we must write the marriage script together, change the life script according to our wishes, instead of letting one person carry the burden.

Mr. Thanh realized that when he heard his wife say all her heartfelt words and tried to change himself to save the marriage.

Last year, after moving from an apartment to the ground floor, Mr. Tung had to take half a year off work due to health problems caused by staying up too late. Thanks to his savings, he did not have to struggle during his days at home recovering from his illness.

Tung has delegated some of his work to his colleagues to reduce the pressure. He is closer to his wife, plays with his children more, and has learned many things. "Before, I sold my health to make money, now I use that money to buy back my health," he said.

*Character names in the article have been changed.