Revealing the secret of the heartless husband

Psychologist Nguyen Thi Kim Lien

There are many forms. But one form of indifference that must be mentioned is men who always find themselves working hard to earn money to give to their wives, take care of their children, and fulfill their responsibilities as husbands, while their wives are the ones who say "money is not all I need". And both sides are entangled and less happy because of that.

According to psychologist Nguyen Thi Kim Lien, there is a defense mechanism called "illusion of love" in psychology. This mechanism occurs in children who, despite receiving little attention, care, hugs, and sharing from their parents, often idealize and build an ideal model of their parents and family. Even when they develop to a certain level, they create models that are opposite to normal behavior when encountering mental pain caused by their parents such as abuse and mistreatment. They deny the truth and hide in illusions. Then, when they get married, their later life repeats exactly the same as their parents' life, because of the ideal of married life and the way their parents raised them.

This is more likely to happen to men because, from an early age, traditional norms of male development emphasize traits such as emotional distance; striving for hierarchical dominance in family relationships; toughness; racing and competition; avoiding dependence on others; aggression as a means of resolving conflict; avoiding closeness and affection with other males; inhibiting emotions other than anger; and avoiding "feminine" behaviors such as nurturing, cuddling, and expressions of vulnerability.

"Such norms make it virtually impossible for boys to achieve the sense of interdependence necessary for mature relationships throughout life. With such distorted norms of healthy development, it is no surprise that men often grow up with a diminished capacity for intimacy and connection. Our culture's distorted ideals of male development make it difficult for men to acknowledge their vulnerability, doubt, imperfection, role confusion, and desire for connection," shared expert Kim Lien.

There are a large number of men who are considered heartless in this form, when asked they still say that they love their wives, love their children, are willing to do everything for their families, they just don't want to tell or say it out loud or express it specifically by a certain action. What they do is try to earn money to make their wives and children's lives better every day. But when looking deeply into their childhood and the environment they grew up in, most of them did not receive or learn how to say love, affectionate gestures, warm touches, deep care from their parents and relatives. They cannot share specifically, go into depth about their relationships with their parents or other family members. They can only express very generally that I know they love me. In their opinion, family is a strong bond that can be understood without speaking. There are things that are not natural if expressed in words.

It is these "illusions of love" that prevent them from realizing actions such as hugging, kissing, speaking sweet words, or having loving touches with their wives and children when entering marriage and building their own families. Over time, they become more and more heartless in the eyes of their loved ones, heartless to their own wives and children without even realizing it.

To overcome this situation, couples need to understand each other's differences, respect each other and their choices, and actively share and express their wishes with their spouses so that the other person can gradually escape from that illusion. Correctly recognizing the current situation, responding flexibly in each family activity, the knot will gradually be untied. Together, helping each other realize that our children are born and raised in a healthy, safe, and truly loving environment, they will feel safe, secure and have a happier life without repeating the "love illusions" in their lives - expert Kim Lien affirmed.

By Family