Toxic Types of Arguing

Master, lecturer of educational psychology at Columbia University (USA) Alana Carvalho (USA) defines toxic arguments as not aiming to solve problems but being used to hurt the other person.

Toxic arguments are made up of put-downs and blame. They are signs that you need to end the relationship or seek help from a mental health professional. But what are the signs of a toxic argument?

Arguing over the same issue over and over again

“A couple who argue over the same issue over and over again without resolution is a classic sign of toxicity,” says Alana Carvalho. This type of argument shows that one or both people are unable to move on. It’s evidence of deeper conflicts that are lurking in your relationship that haven’t been addressed.

For example, if you are still arguing about household chores with your spouse, it shows that you have not found a way to share responsibilities fairly. This situation is because either you or your partner is unable or unwilling to listen to each other's point of view and come to an agreement.

Argue to win

Psychologist Avigail Lev, director of the Bay Area CBT behavioral therapy center (California, USA) said that the main characteristic of toxic arguments is that the participants do not aim to find a solution but only want to win.

In this case, you often try to think about what you will say or respond to next instead of listening to the other person. You dismiss your spouse's thoughts and feelings and deny your responsibility in the argument.

Even when the other person wants to resolve the issue, you still want to continue arguing with them. "One person wants to resolve, the other person wants to make the other person feel guilty," Lev explains.

Experts advise couples to focus on listening to each other instead of just knowing their anger. Because this way, you will never feel satisfied when the argument ends.

Deny each other

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that uses distorted information to confuse and annoy the other person. Carvalho says the practice ends because it damages a person’s self-esteem and self-confidence.

You may not realize how often you and your spouse use this form of denial to deny each other's feelings. The phrase "it never happened" is often used when people don't want to acknowledge the hurt they've caused each other.

Denying real feelings will create an argument that is impossible to resolve because you can't even agree on what happened.

Blame Ball

Imagine you are arguing with your spouse about something that is hurting you. Your spouse says that their actions are your fault because they are your way of getting back at them for something you did to them. You then go on to make excuses for what they just said.

This way, the argument becomes a cycle and the blame game becomes a ball that both parties bounce back and forth. This type of argument is fruitless.

Blaming behavior is completely unhelpful in resolving conflicts. In the above situation, psychologists advise you to ask yourself whether you are trying to solve the problem or find out who is at fault for the problems?

“You can’t do both in an argument. Resolving conflict means letting go of the story of who is at fault,” advises Avigail Lev.

Disrespecting each other's feelings

One toxic argument Avigail Lev lists is belittling your partner's feelings. For example, your partner tells you they're sad and you insist they're angry. This can really create problems. Lev notes that you can't know your partner's feelings better than they do.

Avigail Lev gives another example: If your partner shares something that hurts their feelings, you affirm that those feelings don't exist or shouldn't exist. "Feelings and needs are not meant to be debated or compared," Lev adds.