The shock of Western men when dating in Vietnam

"My girlfriend explained that some people think that girls who go out at night are spoiled, loose and easily criticized by their neighbors," said Joe, 29 years old.

The first date of the British guy with his Vietnamese girlfriend was "full of turmoil". They met at 7pm at a restaurant but before they could eat, the girlfriend's parents called to remind them to come home early. At 9pm, the girl's family continued to urge them, saying "they are waiting at the door, if you don't come home, don't ever come home again".

Once the two of them went on a trip together, but throughout the trip the girl had to constantly report where she was going and what she was doing to her parents. Not to mention she had to lie that she was going out with her close girlfriend instead of her foreign boyfriend so her parents wouldn't worry.

"Vietnamese girls are like Cinderellas, always having to be home before midnight," Joe said. He realized that if two people want to go out freely and do what they like, they must get married or gain the trust of their families.

"But dating Vietnamese girls also gives me very interesting experiences," Joe said. That is, when going to a restaurant, the girls will take the initiative to clean the dishes and chopsticks, and serve food for me, something that British women never do with their boyfriends.

Roberto, 30 years old, Mexican nationality, was shocked when his girlfriend from Hanoi always refused to show affection in public. Even hugging was not allowed.

"In my country, when people are in love, they don't mind hugging and kissing each other in the street, but Vietnamese girlfriends like to be silently cared for and think intimate actions are offensive," Roberto said.

Although she is shy about showing affection in public, Roberto's girlfriend is very strong and is ready to speak up to protect her lover if she sees him being bullied. After dating for nearly a year, the Mexican man decided to get married because the Vietnamese girl made him feel safe and cared for. He even felt admiration when he learned that Vietnamese wives can manage finances and save for their families very well.

Joe and Roberto’s experiences seem to be the concerns of foreign men when dating Vietnamese girls. Medium once listed three cultural experiences that foreigners should know when dating Asian women, including being introduced to their boyfriend/girlfriend’s family by their boyfriend/girlfriend, prioritizing personal feelings over physical affection, and avoiding discussing sensitive topics or intimate actions during the first meeting. While dating Western women, these experiences will not be available.

Especially in the traditional Vietnamese society, dating and marriage are extremely important, every parent wants to have a "good daughter-in-law, good son-in-law" so the selection process will be more strict. Especially for families with daughters, they always hope to find a husband with good personality, filial to both parents, loving wife and children, financially stable to become the pillar of the family.

Associate Professor, Dr. Le Quy Duc, former Deputy Director of the Institute of Culture, Ho Chi Minh National Academy of Politics, said that the contrast in dating styles and expressing affection when in love with Vietnamese women is understandable because each country has different customs and practices, from lifestyle to thinking.

"Many parents today still want to learn carefully about the person their children are dating, and ask to introduce them to their parents to get clear information before they can feel secure in entrusting them, all because they are worried about the safety and happiness of their children," the expert said.

Ms. Thanh Xuan in Hai Phong said she was very nervous when she learned that her daughter was dating an American man 10 years older than her. The 60-year-old woman constantly reminded her daughter to find out about her boyfriend's background and family situation. She agreed to let her daughter date, but she also stipulated that she should not go out after 11 p.m., that she must inform her parents about her whereabouts, that she should not stay in her own room, and that she should bring her boyfriend home to meet her family soon.

"It's not that I'm making things difficult or forbidding my child from dating, I simply want him to be careful in choosing a life partner, especially marrying a foreigner," said Ms. Xuan.

In recent years, the number of Vietnamese people marrying foreign spouses has been increasing continuously. The results of the study Changing trends in marriage with foreigners in Vietnam published in the Family and Gender Studies journal in March 2022, showed that in the period 2011-2021, each year Vietnam recorded about 20,000 marriages with foreigners, mostly Vietnamese women marrying foreign men, increasing from 83.9% to 90.5% in 2020. Other countries in the study such as Korea or Japan showed the opposite trend.

After a 10-year relationship and marriage to a Hanoian, Alessandro Ferin, in Italy, said that what shocked him when dating a Vietnamese woman was the family culture. Once, when he visited his girlfriend’s house, he was confused when the whole family was busy cooking in the kitchen while he was forced to sit and relax because he was a guest.

"Meanwhile, I received hundreds of questions from my girlfriend's relatives about her job, where she lives, her family, and her personal relationships before they decided whether I was worthy of being her son-in-law," said Alessandro Ferin. Although it was an intimate meeting, he felt extremely pressured and stressed.

After getting married, although he was not used to his wife's parents often coming to visit the house without notice, organizing many anniversaries, large family gatherings or language barriers, Alessandro Ferin was still proud to have a Vietnamese wife.

"Vietnamese women are capable, gentle but also strong when needed. They can take care of their families and earn good money. It's truly admirable," said Alessandro Ferin.

As for Joe, although he has not yet gotten married, he is learning to adapt to Vietnamese culture to understand his girlfriend's thoughts. For example, every time he goes out, he will take the initiative to pick up and drop off his girlfriend, accept the "rubber" hours, and design a travel schedule, although this also causes many difficulties because he is not familiar with the roads. Or knowing that his girlfriend is superstitious, he said that the two of them can travel to many places but absolutely not to Da Lat because they are afraid of breaking up, because he has heard some people mention this.

"The more I learn about Vietnamese culture, the more I will understand the behavior of my girlfriend or her family. Only when we find a way to reconcile the two cultures, will our love be strong and long-lasting," Joe said.