Disappointed by wedding gift money

A 30-year-old woman in Ha Dong (Hanoi) received a post from her friends criticizing the groom's gift for being too small, "not enough for the wedding ceremony". Although he did not mention his name, Mai Loan knew the groom was talking about her. "When I got married, he gave me 300,000 VND, now I give him the same amount, why do you blame him?", she said.

The friend's opinion is that "restaurants do not accept payment for wedding banquets based on feelings", each portion costs at least 500,000 VND, so attendees need to "be reasonable" so that the host does not lose money.

Eight years ago, Bao Ngoc, 32, from Hai Duong, gave her cousin a tael of gold (worth VND3.5 million) as a wedding gift, hoping to help the young couple with the expenses for the wedding and to stabilize their lives. She thought that she would also receive a similar gold gift in return when she got married.

After the wedding at the end of August, Ngoc said she was "shocked" to receive an envelope from her cousin with 3.5 million VND. She guessed that the person who gave the gift had calculated that gold was currently worth 8 million VND per tael, so if she gave it as a gift, she would be at a huge disadvantage.

Bao Ngoc thinks that wedding gifts should follow the same rules as borrowing money, "what you borrow, you have to pay back", so her cousin should have given her a gift in return. "If the economy is too difficult, she should explain, she can't give a gift in a tit-for-tat manner like that", Ngoc said.

During wedding season, the number of posts on social media platforms that mention the topic "How much is reasonable for a wedding gift?" always receives a lot of attention.

On a short video platform, there are thousands of related content with the same question. Each post has two opinions. Half of them think that the wedding gift should be calculated according to the current price of the wedding party, an average of 5 million VND for a tray of 10 people (in the city). If you are willing to give more, it is a personal matter, otherwise, at least you have to make sure that the host "does not lose money". The remaining opinion believes that wedding gifts are optional, not a business to calculate profits and losses, inflation. If you are so concerned, it is best not to hold a party.

"The purpose of the wedding is for everyone to congratulate the bride and groom, not a fundraising event," said user Tuan Tu.

According to cultural expert Nguyen Hung Vi, Hanoi National University, wedding gifts are an interesting feature of Vietnamese culture, originating from the spirit of mutual love. Wedding gifts are both a blessing and a financial contribution to the bride and groom's happy day. In each period, the way of giving wedding gifts is different. During the subsidy period, the bride and groom were given essential items such as pots, pans, thermoses, cups and bowls. When the economy developed, people converted their gifts into money.

"Although the form has changed, this action still has the purpose of sending blessings to the newlyweds," the expert said.

Sharing the same view, cultural expert Nguyen Anh Hong, former lecturer at the Academy of Journalism and Communication, said that in the past, wedding guests often had to struggle to choose what items were practical for the newlyweds. Now, when receiving invitations, many people wonder, "How much money should I give so that the host doesn't lose money?"

Ms. Hong believes that this question comes from the feeling of dissatisfaction when receiving an amount of money equal to the amount of money that one was happy with many years ago, or using gold as a common equivalent to calculate the pros and cons at the present time.

"This mentality stems from the pragmatism and materialism of some individuals," the expert said. This is also the cause of many conflicts and confusion surrounding wedding gifts.

Mai Loan has cut ties with the friend (groom) who wrote the allusive post on social media. She believes that wedding gifts, like lucky money, should be based on a voluntary spirit, not an investment, so there is no expectation of economic efficiency. Not to mention that guests may face financial difficulties or have to spend a large amount of money to get to the wedding venue if it is far away.

"Wedding gifts are not savings that require interest," she said.

Bao Ngoc was visibly upset with her cousin's "giving gold but paying for it" action. After the wedding, she did not talk to her cousin even though she kept trying to talk.

To avoid unnecessary conflicts about wedding gifts, Ms. Hong advises each individual not to calculate when giving or receiving gifts. Guests should determine their level of intimacy and financial conditions to decide whether to attend or not and how much to give as a reasonable wedding gift. In case they do not attend, they should inform the host in advance to avoid wasting food. The bride and groom should organize a warm wedding, connecting family members and guests, avoiding putting pressure on guests.

"In particular, you should not turn the wedding day into a business opportunity, and consider gift money as a measure of the relationship," the expert said.

This is also the motto of Thuy Duong, 27 years old, in Ho Chi Minh City. She believes that the wedding gift money is determined by herself based on close relationships, not "according to market prices". In particular, she always attends weddings with the mindset of blessing the young couple, contributing to the cost of the feast without caring about the other party having to "return the gift".

Tuan Hung in Nam Dinh said that when he organizes a wedding, he only cares about the number of guests who come to celebrate, not who gives more or less. "I don't want to turn my wedding into a money-making opportunity," Hung said.

He affirmed that the wedding is a happy day and the wedding money is like a gift. "The highest meaning of a gift is spiritual, we should not focus on material things," he said.