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At 40 years old but still unmarried, every time he returns to his hometown, Mr. Khoa is often asked by women if he is part of the LGBT community.
The man in Ho Chi Minh City is considered "ideal" because he has never been married, does not often go out drinking, and has a stable job. However, because he works in the fashion design industry, Khoa Nguyen has long been misunderstood as being LGBT.
Recently seeing him become a vegetarian, people started talking about him "probably thinking about becoming a monk".
"These are the two biggest injustices on my journey to find a wife," said Khoa Nguyen, in Cu Chi.
Similarly, Mr. Thanh Nam, director of a business in District 9, Ho Chi Minh City, has also been wrongly accused many times when looking for a life partner in middle age.
The 44-year-old man often receives questions like, "Are you difficult? Are you patriarchal, picky? Or is there something wrong with you?"
In the last few meetings with the opposite sex, everyone had the same question: "I think you're fine, funny, sociable, but why aren't you married yet? Or do you have a family and are hiding it?"
Khoa and Nam are among more than 10 million single people in Vietnam. The results of the Population Censuses show that the rate of Vietnamese men getting married for the first time is always lower than that of women and the age of marriage is also higher. However, from middle age (40 years old), the rate of men getting married is higher than that of women.
In particular, the age of first marriage in urban areas is later than in rural areas due to the higher costs of starting a family, especially housing. Moreover, the urban lifestyle prioritizing stability before marriage and the need for a higher quality family life are some of the reasons, according to Professor Nguyen Huu Minh, Vietnam Academy of Social Sciences.
This expert also believes that single status is mainly due to living conditions. The two main reasons are not finding the right person and circumstances (such as old parents, loneliness, economic difficulties).
In the current trend, the reason for liking a free life also contributes to the increase in the number of single people in Vietnam.
Master of Psychology La Linh Nga, director of the Center for Research and Application of Psychological Science - Education (Hanoi), said that unmarried middle-aged men are often associated with stereotypes such as "must be crazy", "physiological problems", "picky", or rumored to be LGBT.
According to experts, there are two reasons for their injustice. First, the average age of first marriage of Vietnamese people is 26.9 years old, in Ho Chi Minh City it is 29.8 years old. Vietnamese people are getting married later and later, however, 40-year-old men who have not married are still rare. Because they are a minority, it is easy for people around them to look at them above the normal standard and ask questions or assign prejudices.
Second, these prejudices sometimes come from small interactions with a few individuals and then generalizations about everyone. Psychologists call this a thinking error.Fallacy of hasty conclusion(Jumping to conclusions) means drawing conclusions before having information and data to verify the truth, regardless of whether the conclusion is right or wrong.
Matchmaker Nguyen Thi Thuy Chi, 34 years old, dating serviceRudicafwith 8 years of experience in Hanoi, said there are many reasons why men find it difficult to get married, such as focusing on their careers and skipping the dating stage, not meeting anyone when they want to get married, or being too old and afraid of love.
In fact, after seeing thousands of dating profiles, Chi realized that middle-aged single men often have high criteria for choosing a spouse. Especially the older they get, the more they want to find a younger woman. "They don't tell their relatives and friends about their criteria for choosing a wife because they are afraid of being laughed at," Thuy Chi said.
However, women who meet the criteria are less likely to choose middle-aged men. Many times Chi talked to female candidates, they all wondered "Why are you still single at this age?", and at the same time expressed no desire to meet.
Thanh Nam admitted that he got married late because he was too busy with work when he was young. Coming from a poor countryside in the Central region to start a career in Saigon, he devoted all his time to his career and did not fall in love. Later, he had a few relationships, but because he did not have time for them, they ended in failure. His most recent relationship ended more than four years ago.
In recent years, he has set a goal of getting married so he has actively sought out the opposite sex. However, finding a girlfriend is not as easy as before as he gets older, and the opportunities to meet are fewer. For a while, he tried looking through dating apps but found no results.
Psychologist La Linh Nga recently shared that in a men's group, a middle-aged man asked for advice on how to pursue women. Many people offered advice, but Ms. Nga noticed a comment: "At this age, you should prioritize having someone you know introduce you to a suitable relationship, but if you follow the way of the older men who ask for numbers and flirt, you will be considered a pervert."
Agreeing with this view, the psychologist added that they should also lower their standards because sometimes the criteria set when they were young have constrained them. "When you open your heart, happiness will come," Ms. Nga shared.
Matchmaker Thuy Chi also advises single middle-aged men to answer three questions: Is the type of woman you want really suitable for you? What do you have to attract that woman? To you, what factors are necessary for a happy marriage?
Five years ago, Mr. Khoa tried to find a marriage partner but failed. Understanding the disadvantages of middle age, he built himself into a family man, good at housework, electricity and water, and also the economic pillar. He is humorous, vegetarian and often does charity work. He has now rebuilt his work at a moderate level, knows enough, and lives slowly. "At this age, I also know that I need to share more, instead of demanding like when I was in my twenties," he confided.
Not being tied down by his wife and children for the past years has helped Thanh Nam focus on achieving his goals. His middle-aged life is still like that of his twenties, working hard, playing sports every week, and occasionally hanging out with friends.
However, deep down he always dreamed of family and children. If he could choose again, he would prioritize marriage first, because after all, having someone to share with and a solid support system would help him develop faster.
"It's been so sad being alone for so many years," he said.
TH (according to VnExpress)