What to do when gentle parenting doesn't work?

The term gentle parenting was coined by British author Sarah Ockwell-Smith in 2016. Since then, gentle parenting has become a buzzword and has been adopted by countless families.

The concept of gentle parenting is based on the principles of respecting the child, taking into account the child's perspective, empathy and validation, and building the parent-child relationship through positive experiences.

However, this approach does not always work. Many parents report that gentle parenting does not work for their individual children.

Psychologists also find that gentle parenting strategies may not be effective for severe, challenging child behaviors, especially those that are aggressive, defiant, or difficult to manage.

What to do when gentle parenting doesn't work?

Although the general principles of gentle parenting may be agreed upon by many parents, these same parents may still feel at a loss when their child is uncooperative.

According to clinical psychologist Cara Goodwin, professor of child psychology at the University of North Carolina, USA, parents need to have the following four measures to cope.

Use of the term "consequences"

Researchers point out that logical consequences are associated with behaviors that improve mental health in children. Logical consequences can include anything from stopping a child from playing to getting an ice pack or bandaging another child who has hurt them to leaving the playground when a child does not follow the rules.

Using "Selective Attention" and "Planned Ignoring"

Research shows that attention is a powerful parenting tool. To use attention to improve your child's behavior and make everyday parenting easier, try to pay more attention to positive behavior than negative behavior.

For example, if your child screams to get your attention, try noticing and praising them whenever they use their normal tone. However, if only noticing and praising positive behavior doesn't seem to work, you might ignore smaller misbehaviors, such as whining, fussing, mild arguing, or asking the same questions over and over again - this is called planned ignoring.

Most research-based parenting programs, such as parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT), recommend that parents ignore minor challenging behaviors. Research has found that this type of ignoring minor behaviors is associated with improved behavior and reduced noncompliance.

Use the "pause" strategy

Research has also shown that time-outs are effective in improving children's behavior. What's more, time-outs are useful at times when parents are at risk of resorting to harsher discipline. For example, when you're feeling overwhelmed, time-outs can give you a chance to calm down and deal with a difficult situation more effectively.

One study found that harsh discipline tactics, such as yelling or punitive hitting, were linked to worse mental health outcomes in children. If time-outs give you and your child a chance to calm down before using these strategies, they may be the right choice for you and your family.

Share your feelings with your child

Like children, parents have important feelings, needs, and desires. Many advocates of gentle parenting suggest that parents should never overshare their emotions with their children when they are sad or angry, as this can cause codependency.

In fact, there is no evidence that sharing your feelings honestly with your children has negative effects. Some evidence suggests that hiding your feelings from your children is linked to stress in children and strain on the parent-child relationship.