Parents are disappointed to make their children happy

BBC (UK) has a documentary "Seven Years of Life" in the top 10 "most worth-watching documentaries in the world". The characters in the film are all children born after the 90s, coming from 19 families of different classes and races. There are some highly educated families, some single-parent families, and some poor families. Every 7 years, they come to film and observe the children's development trajectory.

Because of different starting points and perceptions, each family has its own style, which makes the child's development trajectory have its own milestones. However, these families have one thing in common: parents have to go through three disappointments in their children's development years to have happy children.

First disappointment: Children will go against their parents' expectations.

Every parent imagines their child's future, but it rarely coincides with the child's dreams.

In the film, Oliver is a second-generation child of a wealthy family, but he does not respect his parents' arrangements. His father is a lawyer, his mother is the director of a prestigious food company. The whole family lives in a mansion in the center of London.

Oliver's parents always expected their son to become a member of the upper class, such as a Wall Street tycoon or a famous lawyer. But this boy's dream was to become an inventor or an artist. In his opinion, "a life of just making money is boring".

Sanchez's parents were divorced and he came from a poor family. His father was a dance teacher so Sanchez learned from a young age. Although he had an advantage in dancing, the boy loved football. His future dreams were also related to the king of sports.

Famous British psychologist Donald Woods Winnicott proposed the concept of "Good Enough Mother" which is to be able to set expectations but must respect the child, the control and final decision must be in the child's hands.

Parents' love for their children often comes with expectations, but true love also requires learning to accept disappointment. In every child's life, they are the only ones who suffer the consequences. Only by giving children the right to dream and the courage to explore the world can they grow and go far.

Second frustration: Parents' voice is limited

As children grow up, parents still apply the same educational methods as when they were young. Meanwhile, children entering adolescence begin to become self-aware, from the way they dress to the way they make friends. They will have their own thoughts and requests. At this time, the relationship between children and parents is no longer unconditional obedience but turns to selective obedience.

Children maintain good relationships with their parents when adults respect their wishes, befriend them, and agree with their choices and decisions. But when parents and children are on opposing sides, their words become ineffective.

In the BBC film, Stacey, who lives in New Mills, said that she and her mother were good friends and could share everything with each other. Whatever she decided to do, her mother would support her unconditionally. When she faced difficulties and failures, her mother always encouraged Stacey and gave her strength and love.

However, the two still had conflicts over small issues such as when to go out and what to wear. Before going out, Stacey's mother would ask her what time she would be home. In the eyes of her teenage daughter, these restrictions were like a curse that ruined their relationship. "I would tell her the time, but I was rarely home on time," Stacey shared.

Taron from Cornwall was a disciplined boy who understood the importance of studying and had a goal of studying at a prestigious university. However, Taron rebelled when his mother forced him to eat a sandwich. When his mother threatened him, "If you don't eat it, throw it away," Taron immediately threw the food on his plate into the trash.

As children grow up, the right of parents to impose their views gradually disappears. However, not all parents pay attention to this and still have the habit of controlling their children's lives. What they get in return is resistance and rebellion.

When this stage comes, parents should not panic or feel lost, but should calmly stand by their children. Giving children the strongest support is the best way to educate them.

Third Disappointment: I May Be Just an Ordinary Person

Born into a family with a sporting tradition, Owen, a character in the documentary "Seven Years of Life", showed his talent for sports from a young age, mastering most sports such as swimming, football, and tennis. His parents devoted all their resources to raising him to become an athlete. At the age of 12, Owen became the British junior swimming champion.

But as he got older, he became more and more exhausted. At the age of 21, Owen was demoted in the elite swimming team. Despite his hard work, he could not compete with his teammates and later gave up in regret. Although he could not hide his disappointment, Owen's parents chose to encourage him instead of criticizing him. After finishing his sports career, the young man chose to work in a bank.

Owen's story affirms a truth, no parent can frame their children in their own expectations, even those of the upper class.

Oliver is a character in the documentary "Seven Years of Life". He was planned to follow the path that his parents had planned for him. He would go to a top private school in kindergarten, go to Eton College, then Yale University and work in famous companies.

In the eyes of others, Oliver was admired and even envied because he was a good student, came from a wealthy family, and earned a lot of money. However, this young man did not feel happy no matter what he did. In the end, he quit his job at a famous company and went back to school to get a doctorate at the age of 26.

When he started studying again, Oliver finally found his true self when he added a dream of becoming a writer. He also met the girl he liked, cooked, went for walks, read books together. This was the life Oliver really wanted.

In life, no one does not want to become "this or that" but in reality, 90% of people will end up being just ordinary people. As parents, the task is not to train their children to become great people as they wish, but to create conditions for children to see reality and accept ordinary things so that they can live best in their own world.

No parent can protect their children forever. But in daily education, parents can turn disappointment into hope, encourage, stand by their children and face the risks together as they grow up.