The psychological battle of Vietnamese parents when their children marry late

"Is God playing a joke on us?", the 68-year-old father concluded the letter. 30 years ago, he and his wife brought their four children from a remote area to a town in Nghe An province with a dream: to help their children escape illiteracy.

To date, Mr. Thach's four children have graduated from university and have stable jobs. His two eldest sons got married ten years ago. His two daughters, now 34 and 31 years old, are still "indifferent to marriage and children".

He said he was now on the other side of life's slope, no longer needed a big house, just wanted his children to soon settle down.

His wife, Mrs. Hoa, 65, also has many sleepless nights because of this issue. She wants her children to get married, not necessarily because she is afraid they will be single, but because she wants them to have someone to be with and share with for a long time. "We will all die sooner or later, no matter how much we love each other, it cannot compare to a life partner," she said.

The worry of Mr. Thach and his wife about their children marrying late is also a psychological battle for millions of Vietnamese parents. The tradition of getting married before the age of 30 and the trend of taking marriage lightly and promoting personal freedom are increasingly clashing.

The average age of marriage in Vietnam has been increasing steadily over the years. In 1999, it was 24.1 years old, up to 25.2 years old in 2019. By 2023, the age of first marriage will be 27.2 years old. In Ho Chi Minh City, this figure even exceeds 30 years old.

Statistics show that the trend of being single, getting married late, single-parent families, and the DINK lifestyle (couples without children) is becoming more and more popular. Meanwhile, many parents still hold the notion that "Children will only be happy when they get married".

On the magazineVietnamese Social SciencesIn 2022, sociology professor Nguyen Huu Minh said that the nature of Vietnamese people's choice of spouse has fundamentally changed in the past few decades. Parents' decision-making power over their children in marriage is increasingly declining, with only 4% letting parents decide; 14% of parents asking their children and then deciding; 69% of children deciding and then asking their parents and 13% of children deciding completely.

"Young people are less dependent on their families and therefore have more autonomy. The personal factor in marriage is now more important than family or clan," an expert in the field of family and gender emphasized.

During a discussion on October 11 in Ho Chi Minh City on the topic of high marriage age and low birth rate in the city, many parents expressed concern about their children getting married late. A mother complained that her 26-year-old daughter had just announced that she would study abroad for a master's degree. She was confused because "if she is still studying now, when will she get married and have children?"

According to Dr. Pham Thi Thuy, a sociologist and master of psychology, and lecturer at the National Academy of Public Administration, there are three main reasons for this phenomenon. First, Vietnamese culture wants their children to settle down and have a family to feel secure. Many parents do not consider their children not having a family as a problem with the children, but as a shortcoming of their own. "Children's marriage has become an important criterion to evaluate whether parents are fulfilling their responsibilities or not," said Dr. Thuy.

Second, Vietnamese parents want their children to continue the family line early. Many parents think they are still healthy so they want their children to get married and have grandchildren so they can help take care of them.

"In fact, marriage should be according to the children's plan but is forced according to the parents' 'timetable'," the expert commented.

Third is the generational gap. While parents grew up in difficult times, children grow up in comfortable conditions, with the freedom to pursue their careers, interests and broaden their horizons. Late marriage, or even no marriage, is becoming a trend.

In Thai Binh, Ms. Ngoc Lan, 60 years old, said that at least for the last 5 Tet holidays, she and her husband have told their son: "Next year, we must definitely bring home a daughter-in-law for our parents."

Her son is nearly 40 years old and still indifferent to the matter of marriage and children. She used to be proud of her son studying abroad and becoming a doctor, but now sometimes regrets letting him "study too much".

Mrs. Lan and her husband arranged blind dates for their son many times, but they always failed. Once, she arranged a meeting with a girl in the commune who worked near her son's office in Hanoi, but on the day of the meeting, he went to play soccer and forgot. Mrs. Lan angrily scolded: "At this age, parents should be at ease, but because of their son, they are worried about their hair turning gray." The son said, "My business is not of concern to you," and hung up.

For nearly ten years, every year Mr. Thach has raised 50 hill chickens and a pair of pigs to save for his children's weddings, but his wish has not been fulfilled. His wife cannot remember how many temples she has visited to pray for love and how many "cutting and reconnecting" ceremonies she has performed. However, the groom has not appeared.

One of Mr. Thach's two daughters confided that her parents often put pressure on her with hurtful words. What hurt her even more was that because they were worried about their own affairs, their parents did not dare to spend money, but instead saved up money to make a dowry for their daughter.

She decided to get married if she found a suitable partner. "If I don't get married, I'd be wronging my parents, but if I marry the wrong person and have an unhappy marriage, I'd be wronging myself," she shared.

Delving into the psychology of parents, expert La Linh Nga said that many parents are limited in their thinking and live with the cultural traditions of the village, so they are really under great pressure from public opinion.

However, the majority still consider marriage as a path to happiness, stability and fulfillment in human life. The next chapter of career stability is settling down. Parents are naturally anxious when their children get married late. They are even more anxious when they see people around them constantly attending weddings and congratulating them, suddenly developing a mentality of being left behind and avoiding social integration.

Some have extreme reactions such as urging, scrutinizing, nagging their children and being overly involved in their lives, pushing the family atmosphere to the point of tension.

"Worse, there are people who have worked hard all their lives, so when they are at an age where they should be resting, they get sick because of thinking about their children getting married," the psychologist said.

Dr. Pham Thi Thuy said that it is very difficult to change the differences between parents and children. "Whether the debate on marriage between parents and children can find common ground or not depends on how many people realize that giving freedom to children is also liberating themselves," Ms. Thuy said.

After a three-month "cold war", Mrs. Lan and her son finally found common ground. On the day of the death anniversary, the son frankly shared with his parents, "Marriage is my business, please allow me to decide for myself."

"During that time, I also came to my senses. Now I only live for myself, and don't care about my wife and children," she said.

Mr. and Mrs. Thach still cannot let go completely. Every time they are advised to "live happily and healthily, enjoying the blessings of their children and grandchildren", they just sigh. "They have sacrificed their whole lives for their children, now all they have to do is arrange their weddings, but they still can't get it done," he said.