Regret for not being able to repay filial piety

"I thought time would heal everything, but the longer I live, the more I regret missing the moments when my father was alive," said Nguyen Yen Nhi (28 years old, currently living in Hanoi), who lost her father 8 years ago.

Nhi's father suddenly passed away due to a stroke, leaving behind unresolved misunderstandings. Therefore, while he was still alive, although she always loved him, Yen Nhi rarely interacted with him or talked to him.

She told herself that she would work hard to earn money and one day it would not be too late to repay her parents. Yen Nhi made plans to take her parents here and there, imagining herself wearing a wedding dress and being led down the aisle by her grandfather.

"But then I missed the last moment, missed a lifetime of gratitude, missed the words of love I wanted to express, missed the opportunity to introduce him to my future in-laws," Yen Nhi said.

What the daughter feels guilty about is that when her father was alive, she was still childish and did not know how to express her love. When she got married, had children, and experienced more in life, Nhi understood the loneliness of the elderly, regretted creating distance with her father, and regretted not taking advantage of the time with him in his last years.

Last year, when she got married, Nhi put pictures of her father and grandmother in her wedding bouquet, to feel that her loved ones were still with her in the important moment.

Mr. Quoc Cuong (37 years old, in Hanoi) said he will never stop regretting that his mother passed away before he could repay her kindness. He left home when he was in college. After graduating, Cuong threw himself into a job in the city to prove himself. He worked hard to buy a house and a car, but when he got married and had children, he was overwhelmed with the burden of making a living.

"My house is less than 200 km from Hanoi, but sometimes I only go home a few times a year, during Tet and death anniversaries. But when I go home, I go out with friends, visit this person and that person, and rarely sit down to eat with my parents," Cuong said.

In his heart, the son thought, "My parents are still there waiting for me." He told himself that when he had enough money and free time, he would take his parents on trips here and there and enjoy delicious food with them.

Two years ago, Cuong's mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, with only a few days left. The son hurriedly carried out the things he cherished in his mind. But his mother's health was like an oil lamp in the wind, making it difficult for her to move, so all plans had to be canceled. At that time, he asked for a temporary leave from work, stayed home all night to massage her feet and body. "Touching my mother, I could only feel her bones, and so much regret gnawed at me," Cuong said. More than a month after learning of her illness, his mother passed away.

When his mother passed away, Cuong could hardly sleep because he kept closing his eyes and seeing her in pain and emaciated. "I felt unfilial, but time is priceless, so I can erase and start over," he said.

Psychologist Dr. Nguyen Thi Minh, lecturer at the Ho Chi Minh City National Academy of Public Administration, affirmed that everyone feels regret when their parents pass away. Depending on the level of attachment, awareness, and actions of each person during the process of living together, the regret is more or less.

Survey ofVnExpressWith more than 300 readers, 70% said they always felt regretful for not being able to repay their parents, only 30% had no regrets because they always met the expectations of their relatives when they were alive.

In the scientific article "Filial piety in Vietnamese families today" by author Hoang Thuc Lan, published in the Vietnam Social Sciences Journal, Vietnamese people always value and accept filial piety in educating people's personality; consider filial piety as the direction and motto of humane behavior of children towards their parents and also the standards and measures of human moral values.

Research reportYoung Generation Vietnam 2020, of the British Council also found that young Vietnamese people are extremely attached to their families. The nationwide survey showed that 75% of young people said that family is the fundamental factor that shapes who they are.

''Filial piety remains an essential value for Vietnamese youth and they place high importance on respect for their parents,'' the report said.

Dr. Nguyen Thi Minh has witnessed many people who, because of regret over their parents' death, become depressed, indifferent, turn to stimulants or other negative things. In this case, the expert believes that instead of living in torment, each person should live well in the present. "If you don't have time to repay your father but your mother is still alive, then try to repay her, based on your time, space and financial conditions," she said.

"Parents' wishes should be met as quickly as possible. Regularly ask, chat, share, or give small, practical gifts so that parents can feel their children's care and love for them," said Ms. Minh.

A few months after his mother passed away, Cuong gradually regained his balance, but thinking about her still made him feel pain and regret. "Now I bring my wife and children home more often to burn incense for my mother and eat with my father," he said.

Now, Yen Nhi is the owner of two restaurants in Hanoi and Ho Chi Minh City, with enough money to repay her father as she wished, but he is no longer there. "The day we no longer have our parents, no matter how wonderfully successful we are, there will always be a void in our hearts," she said.

Learning from her own experience, Yen Nhi advises those who still have parents that if they have problems with them, they should find a way to resolve them, don't wait because the most appropriate and timely time is right now.

"I beg everyone I meet not to regret it later, to be grateful, to cherish and quickly do what they can for their parents," Yen Nhi said.