The children are alone in their home

Every time she leaned to the right to put her baby to sleep, Thu Ha tried to put her other arm to the left to hug her older child because she was afraid that the baby would think that his mother had abandoned him - a feeling that has haunted her for the past 30 years.

At the age of 34, being the mother of two children, the void of parental love still cannot be filled in Thu Ha's heart. Her family has four sisters. The older sister is 5 years older, Ha is the second, and the younger are the twins, 2 years younger than her.

Ha often had to re-wear her sister's clothes, ride her bike, and use her sister's computer. When the school year came, her sisters were given priority in paying their tuition fees, so Ha always had to ask her teacher for a delay. Whenever her sister or her siblings made a mistake, her mother would just scold them. "As for me, whenever I made a mistake, I had to open my hand for my mother to hit me," Thu Ha, from Nam Dinh, recalled.

Whatever was delicious, Mom would give her two children, the younger one and the older one, so she would have the energy to ride to school far away. When she entered university, Dad asked an acquaintance to take her to school while he went to buy things for his eldest daughter and gifts for his two youngest children.

Thanh Nam, 18 years old, in Hanoi, feels that since he was a child, his parents only loved his younger sister and always "put up martial law" with him.

He said he always had to wake up on time, eat on time, and if he was even a minute late, he would be scolded. Meanwhile, his father let his sister sleep well, and carried her down from the bed like a doll. His parents always praised him for being a good student, singing well, and dancing well. No matter how much their son bragged about his achievements, they ignored him. His parents never comforted him when he was in pain or tired. "Sometimes I wonder if I'm a stepchild," Thanh Nam said.

Children who are abandoned in their own families due to discrimination by their parents like Thu Ha or Thanh Nam are quite common. Survey with readers61% reported being treated preferentially by their parents, of which 29% were frequent and 32% were occasional.

A study at Cornell University (New York, USA) on mothers in their 60s and 70s and their children showed that 70% of mothers could choose one child they felt closest to. Only 15% of the children interviewed felt that their mothers treated them fairly.

Doctor of sociology, master of psychotherapy Pham Thi Thuy (National Academy of Public Administration, Ho Chi Minh City branch), said there are many reasons why parents discriminate between their children.

Sometimes, discrimination is due to male preference, but it can also be due to gender expectations. Parents want their daughters to be gentle, while their sons should be strong and tough. If their children do not live up to their expectations, parents often behave in a biased way, making the children think they are being discriminated against.

Some children "get along" with their parents, but there are children who are stubborn, stubborn, argumentative, and not favored by their parents as much. It is also possible that because grandparents spoil one grandchild, parents want to compensate for the other, unintentionally creating discrimination among children.

Psychologist Hoang Hai Van (Hanoi) commented that Thu Ha's family situation shows that economic circumstances also contribute to the way parents behave towards their children.

If a family is struggling, parents often focus resources on the child they see as more likely to succeed. As the child grows, the favoritism may continue with the successful child who is able to support the parents financially.

Additionally, pressure and stress in a marital relationship can cause parents to pay less attention to their children's feelings and needs or show uneven attention to their children.

Sociologists have also found that sibling order can influence how parents treat their children. In a survey of 1,000 British parents, more than half favored their youngest child, and more than a quarter favored their oldest child. Middle children were the least favored.

Hong Ha, 22, from Ho Chi Minh City, considers herself a typical middle child. Every year her older sister and younger brother are given lavish birthday parties by their parents. They never remember her birthday. "I wish someone in my family would remember to even wish me a happy birthday," she said.

In 10th grade, Hong Ha discovered that her father had another woman. She told her mother and sister. From then on, her parents only argued and vented their anger on her as if she was the one who caused all this trouble.

When her sister took her high school graduation exam, her parents took care of her every meal, sleep, and picked her up after each exam. But when it came to her own exam, she had to go to school by herself and cook lunch for herself.

During Tet, my older sister went out with my mother. My younger brother went with my father to wish everyone a happy new year. Hong Ha was assigned to look after the house. "I used to cut my wrists, bite my tongue, strangle myself or bang my head against the wall, but my mother just quietly left," Hong Ha said.

Not only does it cause psychological trauma like Hong Ha, Ms. Pham Thi Thuy believes that discrimination also causes children to lose confidence in themselves and makes it difficult to build relationships. "Discrimination also causes conflicts between parents and children, and between children," Ms. Thuy said.

When she was little, Thu Ha was always the one who unreasonably and recklessly picked fights with her older sister and two younger siblings. The four children were often divided into two sides. She was on one side.

As an adult, Ha became a person who was "afraid of everything". Whatever she said, she was worried that she would be criticized. Whatever she did, she was afraid that others would hate her. Every time she felt insecure, Ha dreamed of her mother's hand being beaten until it was purple and red.

Psychologist Hoang Hai Van warns that children who are discriminated against in their families may rebel in adolescence, fall into vices, and have sex early to escape negative emotions or seek acceptance.

Thanh Nam first fell in love and had sex at the age of 14. He admitted that at that time he liked the feeling of being caressed and told words of love, so he accepted a girlfriend who was four years older than him. He also joined a group of bad students, sometimes racing cars and fighting with them.

Ms. Hoang Hai Van advises children who feel discriminated against by their parents not to endure it but to share it with someone they trust or a school psychologist for help.

For those who have gone through trauma, experts say it takes time and effort to heal. Acknowledging and accepting those feelings without judging or immediately rejecting them is the first step in the healing process. You can seek support from meditation, counseling, or group therapy with people who have similar experiences to learn how to cope with trauma.

Experts recommend planning to set life goals and creating positive busyness to overcome past obsessions. "You can consider the possibility of reconciliation with your parents. Opening your heart to forgive not only helps heal the relationship but also helps you feel lighter," she said.

The trauma has made Hong Ha never fall in love and has no intention of getting married. But she likes children so she plans to adopt. "Just 1-2 children to love them fairly," she said.